In an age where inclusivity is encouraged and enforcing gender stereotypes is frowned upon, why do we make such a big deal about days that celebrate a particular gender and role? Why are we still bothering with these Hallmark holidays? Shouldn’t we celebrate our parents every day?
Does anyone consider how Father’s Day feels for the child who has lost their father or has an absent dad? It’s not an easy day and only reinforces what is missing or lacking in their lives. Or does anyone consider how it feels to be in a blended family where one loves like a father and does oodles of fathering but is not the biological father? Think of the family that has two mothers. Has society not evolved enough to where it can figure out a better way of celebrating traditional familial roles?
Besides, what can you learn from your father that you can’t from your mother? In a world where mothers can be breadwinners (the latest data reports that 41% of households in South Africa have a female breadwinner) and fathers are stay-at-home dads or moms do the ‘Iron Man’ and dads sew school play costumes, finding an answer to what only a dad can teach is more challenging. I know so many people who have lost a parent at a young age and grown up with only one parent. One parent fulfilling both the roles of mother and father – breadwinner and nurturer. Having two parents will always be better than having one – double the love, double the resources, and double the time. But given that there are 2.6 million single-parent households in South Africa (almost 30% of all households) and about 70% of those households are headed by women, I wondered if the children in those 1.8 million families would be lacking in anything in particular because they were not brought up with their father.
Don’t fret the small stuff. Dad taught me how to put life into perspective. There are bigger things to worry and stress about. There’s no point worrying about silly irrelevant stuff.
Be happy and grateful for the life you have. Remember how privileged you are to have the life you have and be happy
Ant to Ella
We accept that everyone is different and that nobody’s parents are the same. Children have individual needs and can even choose their own pronouns. As traditional gender roles slowly evaporate, is it even relevant to ask whether a dad teaches something a mother can’t?
The answer is probably not going to be popular (and maybe a tad unwoke), but I do believe men and women have different things to offer, especially as parents. Children learn things from their fathers that are unique. Of course, this is not to say that if you don’t have a father, you won’t learn these things, just as every parent has a varied approach. But sometimes the process of questioning something is useful. As a widow, mother of a young daughter, and someone who lost their biological father at an early age, this was a valuable exercise and I have gained some insight into what I can do to be a better parent to my child. It also made me realise that even though a biological father may not be present, many other male role models can fulfil these needs. Brothers, uncles, stepdads, cousins and even family friends play an important role and I should not forget to thank them for all they mean to us. All of these men have stepped up for us and play an important role in my child’s life, so I am enterally grateful to them.
The following list is based on conversations I have had with some of my special people (and even Chat GBT) about what it means to be a father and how they are different from mothers. By no means is this scientific data and it definitely doesn’t apply to everybody, but rather a simple list of observations.
No. 1. Dads like to play rough.
Somehow this comes instinctively to men. Flinging toddlers around upside down holding only one foot, wrestling on the floor with teenage boys larger and stronger than them, throwing kids into the pool – sound familiar? Yet, somehow it all ends up okay (even if there are a couple of tears). Dads will never be as careful as moms when it comes to playtime and kids love and need a little roughhousing!
No.2. Dads help build self-esteem for their children.
Our Dune Daisies dad, Ant has taught his kids to surf. Surfing teaches many things besides having the ability to stand on top of a board and ride waves. The first is obviously respect for the sea, but another vital skill is to acknowledge their fears and have confidence in their abilities.
The only thing to fear is fear itself. Dad said that to me when we were paddling out on one of the biggest days in the Transkei surf. He gave me confidence and taught me to be calm in stressful situations and to just breathe.
Ella
No.3. Dads teach us different ways to communicate.
Whomever your father is, he will communicate differently to you than your mother. My father always spoke to people with respect in an urbane and friendly way. Never talking down to people and not differentiating his tone for anybody. He had a knack for making people feel comfortable and people responded to him well. I think because he always managed to find a common ground.
No.4. Dads give solid dating advice.
Dads know men better than women do. That’s a fact. So, when your dad says “Never bring home a man who doesn’t like Liverpool,” (as Ant did to Jemma) you listen.
No.5. Dad jokes are the best.
I admit, I outsourced this to our friendly AI chatbot and this is what I got:
- Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
- Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
No.6. Dads show us how to love hard.
A dad loves his children unconditionally (much like a mother does), but also knows how to love hard. For example, a child may come home from swimming and say that they absolutely hate it and plead to give it up. Moms might be more inclined to let the child stop the sport, while a father will put down his foot and insist they continue. He reminds the child of all the benefits of being able to swim well (especially living in a coastal town) and is unwavering in his opinion. This is loving hard – not making popular decisions, but rather those that will help the child later on in life. I know this is an over-generalization, but I have seen this play out in so many scenarios that I found it worth mentioning.
No.7. Dads give their daughters affirmation.
Nobody loves a daughter like a dad does. A dad has a special and enduring love for his daughter that is unique. She knows that he thinks she is wonderful and adores her. He is the first man she will love and he sets the bar for any men that come into her life as she gets older. Knowing that your dad loves you, gives a girl confidence and affirmation. Think about how different it feels when a mom tells her daughter she is beautiful compared to when a dad tells her the same thing.
No.8. Dads show their sons how to be men.
It is often said that a dad is a son’s first hero. Sons look up to their dads for advice and guidance and often try to emulate them in many ways. Men try to lead by example and demonstrate the value of grit and hard work. A dad understands what it is to be a man as he has walked that path and can show his son the way.
No.9. Dads have different skills from moms.
Sometimes a dad’s skill set involves power tools and toolboxes, other times it can be herding cattle or using a lawnmower (especially if you have a farm in the Baviaans). My dad had a wonderful financial brain and was good at taking calculated risks, teaching us to think our decisions through carefully before diving into a new situation.
No.10 Dads like to play sports or do physical activities with their kids.
Dads are also more inclined to get out there and run around with a ball with their kids or get really involved in watching their sporting matches. Let’s face it that in general, men enjoy flinging around frisbees or hitting balls with bats more than moms do. Because they like doing stuff like that they also have some useful hints about how to tackle or how to kick at the right angle. While playing sports together, they also teach their kids how to push themselves a little physically and in pushing themselves and achieving a new goal they realise that they can do more than they think they can.
For many dads, playing sports with their children is a way to be present in their lives. Something that guarantees uninterrupted time and constant interaction.
When in doubt, paddle out – immersing yourself in the sea or water. Nature is the best thing. It grounds you, improves your mood and brings overall happiness.
Ant to Ella
Wonderful. Made me cry tears of sorrow missing and bringing back times I never want to forget. Thank you so much!!