Words of wisdom from my favourite daisy – my mother

Have you ever said something very earnestly to your child and then suddenly been struck by how much you sound like your mother? I have. More and more, it seems. Just as well I don’t mind sounding like my mom, in fact it’s something I aspire to do.

My mom has always had sage advice that never fails to calm and soothe. Over the years, I have heard the same few lines countless times and can almost predict when they will surface, yet they are still as effective and impactful as ever. This Mother’s Day, I would like to pay tribute to my beautiful mom and share with you some of the things she has always told me. These lines are not anything new and she recently told me that they are also things her mother used to tell her. Nevertheless, they are meaningful to me and have given me strength and perspective over the years – perhaps they will be helpful to you too.

The first strangely comforting line has echoed in my head throughout my life, particularly in my younger years. I was at the stage where I was throwing myself into life, somewhat recklessly, and learning some hard lessons along the way. When things weren’t going well, my first instinct was to call my mom (in those days from a call box on the side of the road). Often, just hearing her voice on the other end of the phone was enough to open the water gates and all that I had so carefully tried to put a lid on came streaming out in a nonsensical rush of emotion. Mom knew that nothing much could change the situation. She couldn’t take away my fears or disappointment, no matter how much she would like to. She would listen supportively, letting me dump all my woes on her through the phone line. Then she would say with a big sigh,

“Don’t worry, my love, as Moses said – this too shall pass.”

Admittedly, back then I found this mildly annoying. Surely she must have some other ideas to guide me through my trauma? Quoting Moses seemed a bit like a cop out. But, as the years passed, I discovered that maybe Moses did have some wisdom to impart. Time does have a way of healing and realising that nothing is forever can be oddly reassuring.

(Disclaimer: I have since found out that that isn’t really what Moses said and it is often used out of context. Nevertheless, the message is good, and I have become quite attached to Moses through it all.)

The next one is a classic. Particularly useful when talking to an emotional and often overly dramatic person, having moments of serious doubt.

“Ma, I am sure it won’t work out, maybe I should just quit now” or “there’s no way I’m going to make it.”

I had the silly habit of trying to talk myself out of situations, preparing myself for the worst. Some might even call it self-sabotage. My sweet mother would listen attentively and then gently say,

“Remember, don’t fall until you are pushed.”

Although I had heard this phrase often enough, the gentle reminder never failed to give me that little bit of extra courage.

Spoil your Daisy

Plant tulips or bulbs for her to enjoy later.
Write your mom a poem.
Make her a card telling her much she means to you.
Plant her favourite herbs in a pot.
Take her to the beach for supper (pick up her favourite take aways first).
Make a photo book of all your favourite memories with her.
Take her for a coffee and be sure to tell her how much she means to you.
Buy her a voucher for a spa treatment – there are so many spas in town (good one for moms and sons to do)
Treat her to some yoga classes – go with her!
Pack tea and biscuits and take her for a picnic in a beautiful garden (the Community Garden is beautiful)

The tween years can be particularly hard when it comes to friendships. One moment you are best buddies and the next, you have found that your supposed bestie has been whispering spiteful things behind your back which a well-meaning friend has decided to share with you. Of course, this is all very upsetting, but when you are a twelve-year-old girl, this feels like the end of the world. You feel physically sick, you cry and literally take to your bed. My mom, a life-long advocate of taking the upper hand and holding your head up high, even when times are tough, used to say,

“Let it be like water off a duck’s back – their words cannot hurt you, only if you let them.”

It’s actually quite sound advice, even though it wasn’t often that well-received. Finding the inner fortitude to hold your head up high and pretend something doesn’t bother you, when all you want to do is cry and gouge someone’s eyes out, is really quite a challenge. Nevertheless, my mom continued to challenge me to embrace my inner duckiness.

For most of my adult life, I lived in foreign countries. I left South Africa at the age of 21 and only returned a few years ago. In every place I lived there were many wonderful things to enjoy and there was always a solid reason for me to live in that particular place – studies, work or family. Yet, I think deep down I always missed my country and had this constant unsettled feeling.

I was searching for the perfect place to live, obviously still not accepting that all I really wanted was to be around the people I love most. I must have said, ‘I like it here but…’at least a thousand times. After listening to this for many years, my mom (probably in exasperation) told me:

This often segued into her next favourite saying,

“Just be happy. It’s a choice.”

I never fully grasped this one until later in life. My mom and stepdad really live this one out in their daily lives. I have often found them sitting next to each other on the couch just having a chuckle at themselves. They make the best of everything. They even try and see the upside of loadshedding – an excuse to make hot chocolate on the gas burner! My mom loves nothing better than to sit in a sunny spot and watch the birds dart in and out of her garden. She giggles as she regals stories of how there is one little bird who must be a little ‘slow’ because the other birds come and take care of him. She watches with amazement as the other birds flutter around and bring him titbits to eat every now and then. Her eyes sparkle with delight and I realise that this is what happiness is – this is the big prize. To be deeply content sitting in a ray of sunshine observing all the small miracles.

Mom’s last tidbit is a more recent one. After a difficult period of my life, I was not feeling strong emotionally. My general feeling was of numbness. Every day had its challenges and the sadness of the years before had taken its toll on my spirit. Desperate to find joy again, I looked for it everywhere else except within myself. I threw myself into situations without too much thought, thoroughly convinced that this must be what I needed. I was so happy to be distracted from my grief and be able to fill the hole with something else. I went all in! Of course, the joy was short-lived and when the situation imploded, I was distraught and probably in a worse position than when I started. One afternoon, in the sunny spot on mom’s porch, she said this,

“Make sure that you are singing your song, not someone else’s.”

She had read a story about an African tribe that had a beautiful tradition. A pregnant mother will gather with some close friends and go into the wilderness to pray and meditate until they hear the baby’s unique song. They practice the song and go back to the village and teach it to the rest of the community. When the baby is born, the song gets sung to the child as they gather to celebrate the birth. Throughout their life, the song is sung at pivotal points. It is sung at their initiation when they pass from childhood to adulthood, at their marriage and then finally to say goodbye when they are close to dying. The only other time the villagers sing the song during a person’s life is if they commit a crime or socially deviant act. Then the villagers circle around the person and sing their song to them, reminding them of the music within them and their true nature. My mom said that there are times in our lives when someone may want you to sing their song rather than yours. By doing this you become resentful and lose your own voice. Harmonize and support someone else, but not at the expense of your own happiness.

I feel constant gratitude for all my mother has taught me in life. She is unfailingly kind, gentle and thoughtful. She can be ditzy and witty all at the same time and is smart and strong. She raised four young children on her own after my father passed away and never complained. My mom exemplifies aging gracefully and with humour. People say that girls often end up like their mothers. If I can be anything like my mother, I would consider my life a success.

PS In many homes there is only one parent, one parent fulfilling the role of both mother and father. One parent doing their best, but always wondering if they are doing enough to compensate for the missing parent. I always panic before special days like Father’s Day, knowing that instead of being a celebration, it can actually be quite a difficult and sad day, a glaring reminder of empty shoes. Knowing that Mother’s Day is probably like this for many other families, I considered axing the idea of Mother’s Day. Then, my brother reminded me of what an amazing mother we have and that she was worth celebrating.

Dune Daisy Shortbread

My mom makes the best shortbread ever. Make some for someone you love. Wrap it in a beautiful piece of fabric, grab a flask of tea and find a sunny spot to watch the birds!

Shortbread Recipe

Dune Daisies

Words of wisdom from my favourite daisy - my mother

Spoil your Daisy

Dune Daisy Shortbread

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